I try to find the beauty in others, but finding the beauty in myself, that’s where I struggle.
Accepting love from God is hard. Sometimes we feel undeserving, not good enough, sometimes we think why would he love me. Why me? What did I do to deserve this?
I can vouch for all of them. This last year was one of the hardest years for me. I have battled with an eating disorder for the last few years, and boy oh boy looking at yourself and hating yourself can affect you so much. I was never good enough for myself. I always found the flaws and never looked at the good. I hated myself more than ever. I can vividly remember nights of me sitting in the bathroom crying and wondering how to end the pain. I couldn’t find one thing I liked about myself. I was lower than I had ever been.
Not a lot of people knew what I struggled with. I tried my hardest to hide it. I grew up in church and with a loving family and great friends. A few years ago the devil really got to me. I started to stop seeing me as the fearfully and wonderfully made girl God made (Psalm 139:14) and started to see myself the way the devil wanted me to. It started off with just skipping a few meals every so often. Harmless right? Well every so often turned into everyday, and when I would eat, I would hate myself for it. I started to feel very weak, and the weight I was losing didn’t look like anything to me. I didn’t see a difference in myself, and that made me hate myself even more. I didn’t want to leave the house, I didn’t want people to have to look at me. I truly hated myself. I was so distant from God.
It wasn’t until one night I felt God telling me look to Him for for help, I was trying to fight the battle alone. (Isaiah 41:10) I prayed and prayed, and that’s when I began to start healing. But I couldn’t accept the love and grace God was giving me. I still didn’t believe I was good enough. I had no confidence in myself. It wasn’t until I realized that confidence does not come from me or anything I could find on this earth. I had to find my confidence in God and accept the love He was giving me. When I realized that God loved me through it all no matter what and there was nothing I could do to ever make Him not love me, I was enough for Him, just me. It’s hard, but when you finally accept the love God has given you, it’s an amazing feeling, and knowing nothing you can ever do will break that love is even better. No one on earth can ever love you as much as God. I still struggle with my eating disorder everyday. But I have become content with myself and knowing I have a God that loves me so much that he sent His son to die for me. He is always there to listen and right there by your side. He will never leave you or forsake you. (Jeremiah 29:11) The struggle I face is still so real, and I have to work on it everyday. It’s never easy, but when I feel down, looking to God has never failed me. He loved me even when I couldn’t love myself. He is enough for me.
By Brittany Sullivan